(Image by zrbuck)

When I say I work in schools where kids set the rules with adults, people often ask me about fighting—what happens when the kids fight? Do they resolve these conflicts, if so how? This is a question that lots of folks in SDE (self-directed education) also grapple with. Why? They may have difficulties in communicating around conflict themselves due to lack of practice, lack of experience in communal processing, and/or past trauma that clouds awareness of a present conflict with a response merely synthesized by memories.

There are 2 polarities of how to respond to conflict: do nothing and do everything to stop it. Between these polarities, there are anathema options, though it can be hard for folks in SDE spaces to determine what course of action feels the best for them, and even harder for a whole community to decide together. Then there is the response to harm, if someone, as a result of conflict, has become hurt: ignore it or address it. So often this is dependent on how the person inflicted shows their response outwardly in the moment.

An adult might not respond to conflict because they fear infringing on the rights of/wielding too much power over kids. They may not want to tell kids that they can’t be physical together so as not to create in them a dependence on adults to regulate conflict for them. Adults might not want to respond with some punitive measure if someone gets hurt in the conflict because they want the kids to figure it out together and they don’t want to be “policing” as a figure of authority. 

Conversely, adults might immediately shut the behavior down, saying that no physical play is allowed, they might intervene to prevent or stop conflict from arising, or other proactive attempts to limit the potential for fights. They, too, may want to respond if someone gets hurt by removing other kids from the space to set an example so other kids will not do it either. I understand the draw of both approaches—a space devoid of conflict feels a bit surreal, twilight zone-esque, maybe even cultish. A space rampant with conflict feels chaotic, dangerous, and hard to focus on other things.

These are only a handful of examples and there are about as many ways to respond to conflict as there are people to respond to it, if not more. The beauty of self-directed learning in communities is that a group of people can become informed of everyone’s needs to feel safe and decide together. What it really comes down to is safety—how can we create a safe environment for the people in it so they can do what they want to do there? I think an important piece here is listening first to the folks who desire the most extreme agreements around safety, and why they feel that way, for it is often these people who have the most need for protection from the agreements.

The whole group in the learning center (all ages, kids and adults included,) may decide that what feels most safe to do when someone gets hurt from a fight is for the person who harmed them to go home for the day. In this case, whoever has the capacity to support that kid going home, usually an adult with access to the necessary phone numbers and devices, is not doing so out of personal motivations, but to uphold the community’s agreement equally for all. There may also be a moment of restorative justice afterward, so that the conflict does not end in the consequence, but in the processing of it with all parties involved the next day. These are my personal boundaries around conflict—I know in spaces with similar guidelines that it is easy for me to feel comfortable.

There is a freedom in deciding together, knowing that whatever response is given to the conflict is the same response for everyone to whom this may happen (unless exceptions were agreed on for some folks based on different needs they may have, with their consent). There is also responsibility in it to uphold and follow firm agreements like this from all sides. And if the agreements are broken? We try again or adapt them until they can be followed and folks feel better about them.

DECOLONIZING NVC: Want to do more work in understanding your own boundaries within conflict to support safety and clear communication? I HIGHLY recommend checking out Meenadichi’s, “Decolonizing Non-Violent Communication.” It’s a workbook that updates Marshall Rosenberg’s original NVC framework by incorporating embodied and trauma-informed processes in preparing one to address conflict. Get a copy here.