When has it been hard for you to listen? Why do you think it was difficult?

When I ask people these questions, they usually mention time. “I don’t have enough time to hear the whole story, sometimes we just have to get out the door!” Or “when will there be time for me to talk?” It reminds me of my mind sometimes when I go to meditate—“set an alarm, Madi. You only have 10 minutes to sit in silence today!” Or “How much longer will this take?” 

Oh, time.

In such moments when I get frustrated over my obsession with it, I like reminding myself that time is a concept humans created and in which we choose to collectively believe (or not), much like money. 

The other day I asked a member of our flying squad, Raines, how he feels about money. Raines explained how “money is a useful tool that has hurt a lot of people.” (MIC DROP). I see time as no different. Both were created to help people coordinate travel or labor efforts that would grow empires. The invention of time hurt the general public as it allowed the ruling (wealthy, male, white/european) elite to have more money and power through greater control/enslavement of the masses, especially BIPOC folks, poor folks, and children.* So time has been oppressive on the human race since its beginning.

When I work in self-directed learning centers, I use an abundance mindset of unhurriedness so that I don’t rush myself or other people. Certainly time can be a limiting factor in activities during the day, but time is not a finite concept—it is agile. I can usually stretch time for things that need only an extra minute or I can allocate future time for something that needs more than is available. With this perspective, I have more capacity for empathy in moments of struggle. I feel able to listen to others and consider how their actions may be their own unique ways of meeting their needs without jeopardizing my ability to meet my needs as well.

Recently at a learning center, I facilitated a conversation between two kids who were in conflict with one another—let’s call them Margo and Hope. We went to a corner of the outside area where we could sit in private and chat. For this dialogue, I set no timer or rules. I did ask if they’d like to set some boundaries and they said they wanted it to be confidential, which we all agreed to. I also asked for clarity around our intentions in this conversation—we’re here because we want to try to have a better time the last few days of the week of camp together, right? They agreed.

I shared that I was there to listen and not to blame or make anyone in trouble, so I asked if they could both share what’s going on for them without interrupting the other. It was so simple once I started to listen, once they were able to listen to each other. 

“I was just so mad,” said Hope, “And annoyed. I really want you to stop doing exactly what I’m doing and copying me.” There was a long pause.

Some of the long pauses I waited out until they came in with more information. This time, no one spoke for about 30 seconds, so I jumped in “That sounded like a very clear request to me. Margo, do you agree to try that and do you have something you’d like to ask Hope in return?”

“Yes I can and yes I do. It’s just that I like the same things as you and I want to do them with you but I’m feeling upset so maybe can we be friends and do things together and I won’t copy you but I do want you to say sorry for all of the things you did to me like pushing me and ignoring me?” Another long pause.

“I just don’t know if I want to be your friend right now after what you did.”

Then they spoke of their differing experiences of the initial problem or, “what Margo did,” as Hope put it. In listening to one another, they came to understand that no one had wanted to hurt the other. That they actually had a lot in common, and not only did they want to be friends, but, “Let’s make cookies together tomorrow!”

And what did I do to help? I modeled being curious about conflict by really hearing their experiences of it because I was genuinely interested in what they had to say. I trusted them to fix it without interfering by restraining myself from offering solutions or moving the conversation along unless they asked me to. Mostly, I shut up and listened. Using this approach allows supporting people in conflict to feel like an active opportunity for growth for them and me. I believe there’s always time to hear one another when we’re trying to form relationships that care about who the human being is and not merely what the human is doing.

A NOTE ON SHUTTING UP: I’m always trying to shut up and listen more to people who are different than me. I believe it’s a big part of liberation work. I’m trying to do more to hear and support folks who are BIPOC, neurodiverse, LGBTQIA/nonbinary, folks living in poverty, folks who are unhoused, folks for whom English is a second language, folks living with a disability(s), and, of course, children. Another piece of liberation work is to share the power so, at the end of these blogs I’ll share some work that is relevant to the topic of discussion that is made by someone else/a collective of folks who is also committed to liberation.

*My research from this came from a really cool article linked here. If you want to go further into understanding systems of oppression and systems of power, check out Dr. Sundiata’s podcast, The Theory of Indivisibility, here. Theory of Indivisibility analyzes the evolutionary origins, current complexities, and how Sundiata’s theory of indivisibility applies to our social, economic, and political systems.